We are already half-way through January, and there is just so much going on. Our household is stirring with hopes and plans for the future, while we also tiptoe along, wondering how long the status quo can be maintained. I don’t know about your house, but at ours, the illness affects most things. We try to not let it be the center of attention, but making allowances all through the day and nights is the way we live. My son spends hours every night trying to reach a point where he can fall asleep. It’s almost as if he spends the entire 24 hours getting to the right point where he might be able to relax. He has been manic the last several months, so sleep was almost an absurd wish. However, for the last few weeks it appears he is entering a more depressed state. So far, he has done well to try to hold himself above the danger zone…and to keep putting one foot in front of the other. The upside is that he sleeps a bit more easily and a bit longer. If he’s not awakened, 6-8 hours is not unheard of these days…though it may take until deep into the night before it starts. During those nights during the manic months…1-3 hours was about all he could hope for…and sometimes days went by in between. So here we are. I use the quiet night hours to get my work done…so I keep an ear turned toward his end of the house and am thankful for silence. His music is his great comfort and he plays it night and day. When he is feeling a bit better, he uses his DJ gear to make special arrangements. But, tonight he is not angry…he is calm. And quiet.
I wonder what is ahead for him…will he improve as time goes by? Will THE ILLNESS become more manageable? He has improved in some ways, but it seems those ways have been relative to his beating the addictions. He is clean now and able to work with his brain. However, his brain seems to not be quite so cooperative as he is.
There is another question, too. His son is with him every other weekend. When his son is home, he seems more managed, more controlled, less ill, than at any other time. He has noticed it, too. And wonders what it is about this child that brings him such peace?